Dear Non Traditional Friend

Dear Special Friend,

Something about you makes you a tad bit non traditional by the definitions of the world or our society.

Maybe you are single.  Perhaps you don't have children. Maybe you love another woman. You could be the bread winner.  Or you're a single mom.  Who knows, maybe you have been married and divorced as many times as Elizabeth Taylor.  Maybe your kids go to a different kind of school or you homeschool.  Could be all the people that live around you don't look like you or aren't from the country you are from.  Politically you may disagree with the majority.  You could be the "black sheep" of your family.  You're the girl in the mostly boy job/field.  Your baby was conceived in an operating room instead of a bedroom.  Whatever it is, you're a bit of a mold breaker.  

In many ways we're all a mold breaker.  Some of us, feel it more than others.  I freaking hate society for making those dancing to a different drum feel any less of a woman.   And boy oh boy do I believe we beat ourselves up if we can't seem to conform to what we think we ought to be.

I'd just like to go on record by saying, you my lady are a hero.  You are the spice to life.  If we weren't all defying the norm in some way or another, womanhood and humanity wouldn't be as rich and meaningful.  

You are you. Take pride in knowing you've been created to put your special stamp on the world.  Surround yourself with people who honor your differences and inspire you to keep going. Forget about those who don't! You so don't need them!

Thank you for making the world a better place by being authentic, real and amazing!

Sincerely,
Your Admirer and Fan 

Dear Young Lady Approaching College Graduation

The author of this letter and I have only known each other two years.  I must say we connected right off.  I love her wit, strength, dignity and inner beauty.  I think this letter doesn't just speak to a young lady but also reaches the rest of us.  Thank you for the beautiful words my dear friend.  

*****

Dear Young Lady a Month before College Graduation,

It is a month before your college graduation, and I am sure that you are filled with a mixture of anticipation and anxiousness.  You have worked diligently in order to arrive at this momentous occasion.   I know that you have a few more papers to compose and exams that need more preparation.  As you contemplate future employment paths that will require your undivided attention over the next few months, I invite you to consider the next steps in your journey into adulthood.  The exam of your 20s might be the most rigorous exam to date.

Counter Culture:  Our culture lies to us as women in so many ways.  Guard your heart against how media describes women should look, feel and behave.  Who you are on the inside far exceeds your external physical appearance.  Counter culture by becoming a woman of character, influence, wisdom and strength.

Cultivate Contentment:  Soon you might be making more money than you have ever earned in your life.  It is amazing how quickly this income can cause us to desire more.  Learn to cultivate quiet contentment for what you have and do not let debt become your enemy.  Take a financial management class so that you can learn the principles of budgeting, saving, investing and purchasing.  Cultivate contentment so that you will develop a heart filled gratitude.

Commit to Community:  In the next years and decade of your life, you will need community.  Your 20s can be a time of frivolous play or deep investment in yourself.  The people you surround yourself will probably become more important than your career.  Seek out older women who can provide mentoring and wisdom because they have gone before you.  Commit to community and surround yourself with people who will mold, equip and invest in you as a woman.

Count the Cost:  Every choice that you make will have a consequence in some manner whether positive or negative in nature. After college, I accepted a position as an educator in public school where I found people who invested in me professionally.  My parents proudly touted to their friends how I was successfully living and supporting myself, but they neglected to mention how they dissuaded me from pursuing my deep longing to teach at a private school in Europe.   Half-way through my career as an educator, I still internally wrestle with this career decision which is probably the reason I lack complete contentment in where I am today.  Count the cost of the decisions you make today because they will impact your life tomorrow.

Confront Comparisons:  You are an excellent woman!  Your strengths set you apart from others so draw on those assets.  Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others.  As women, I think that we compare ourselves to other women more than we care to admit.  There will be areas were you exceed more than other woman and areas where other women exceed more than you.  Celebrate your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses.  Comparison only breeds discontentment and insecurity.

Create Commitment:  Instead of finding the right person in your 20s, decide to become the right person.  Nothing annoyed me more than when people either tried to set me up with their “friend” or told me that I needed to stop looking and then I would “find” him.  I wish I had invested more in becoming the right person instead of wishing he would find me.  Who you will marry will become the most important decision of your life, so choose well.  Commit to developing yourself today before commitment stands before you.

Contemplate Connections:  Your family of origin has a much larger effect on you than you might realize right now.  I realize this the older I grow because I see how my patterns of thinking is often rooted in my family of origin.  Take time to contemplate how your family of origin has molded you into the woman you are today whether positively or negatively.  Consider your patterns of thinking and worldview in light of your faith, family of origin and culture in order to determine if you are living a physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy lifestyle.  

Claim Christ:  Your faith will become your anchor as you journey through the next years and decades of your life.  Highs and lows, bends and curves will follow but the Anchor to your soul will be your true north.  I have seen what it is to be in need and to have plenty, and He has been my faithful Lord.  I have rejoiced with him as he has satisfied the desires of my heart, but I have also sat with him in tears while he has wrapped his unseen arms around my soul.  Just as a loving father should do, he has gently guided me as I have wandered off and placed me back on course.  He has sat beside me in the boat while the storms of life have crashed around me, but I have not feared because he was with me.  Sometimes he does not calm the storm but he calms me in the storm.  Just know that your relationship with Him exists into eternality.  

   

With grace and peace,

One Who Has Gone Before You

Dear New Working Mom

This letter sure helps the new working momma.   There's nothing like that day you drop baby off for the first time to go to work.   I admit there are many days I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by working.  This gave me a lot of comfort and insight.  Thanks to you "older mom" for writing this.  You know I'm over the moon proud of all you've accomplished since your 19th birthday!  

*****

Dear New Mother-

You're 23 years old. No one else in your peer group is having babies. That's okay. Age does not necessarily beget wisdom in this department. NO ONE has this figured out. Pretty much every mom I've met over the last decade is just figuring it out as she goes along. Moms of infants, moms of teenagers, we're all just flying by the seat of our pants. 

You will have to work full-time. Get over it. Seriously, don't spend so much time wallowing in self-pity. Your kids will go to day care. So what? That doesn't mean "they are raised by strangers." People will say unkind things about your work status. People will hurt you with their words and their assumptions. But your kids are going to be amazing. Read that sentence again. Your kids are going to be amazing. Their time in day care teaches them so much. Things you would never think teach them. Also, the caregivers they have over the years will become part of your family. They will be in your life long after your children go to school. 

So I know it seems like a big deal right now. I know you think of yourself as less of a mother because you have to work 40+ hours a week at a job. But I'm almost 12 years into this working mom thing and I wish I hadn't let it bother me so much. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to be confident in my mothering. Stop worrying about other people and what they think of your parenting. Listen to advice, surely, but no one else is an expert on your kids. You know them better than anyone else ever will. 

So New Mom, surround yourself with great friends and family. Find a church. Find a moms group. Build a support system. And remember, no one has this figured out!

Love, 

An Older Mom

To that woman, so like my own mother...

This letter is written by Suzanne.  Suzanne is a talented lady in so many ways!  I always enjoy the times I am around her.  Very insightful and full of life!  

*****

To that woman, so like my own mother in her 60s,

You are tired. I notice this immediately. Your tiredness is so very different from my own which comes from living a scattered life of working, mothering, friending, and trying to carve out a few sacred moments to just be and to just breathe.

My suspicion is that your tiredness is born of something closer to worry and fear and sorrow. I see you watching the man you chose to spend your life with declining so much faster than you and contemplating all those statistics about the ratio of widows to widowers. We have all heard those numbers but for you, they send shivers of fear into your heart.

More likely than not, by this point you have said your goodbyes to your own mother and now, perhaps you yourself are the matriarch. A title you would gladly trade for the chance to kiss her cheek and rub lotion into her hands again.

Your children have their own lives and yet they are still with you everywhere you go. The phone calls just have to be enough even though they aren't.

Perpetually lost keys and forgotten appointments might be something more than just a slip of the mind. It's easier to pretend that they are normal than to consider what they might mean when you put the clues all together.

I want you to know that I see you. I notice you in the grocery store or at your granddaughter's game. I see you facing these days of burying friends at a more acceptable age and wondering who might be next. I am watching you for clues as to how to handle this same stage of life with dignity and grace. You have always been here to mentor me and I still need you.

Love,
Suzanne

Dear Middle School Young Lady

Oh boy oh boy to I have a place in my heart for the special lady who wrote this letter.  She is one amazing woman and has a heart on total fire for kids!  Brittany I love you dear!

*****

Dear Middle School Friend,

You're in this weird transition period between being a little kid and a teenager, and I'm willing to bet you feel lost and confused more often than not. It seems like everyone around you knows who they are and where they fit in but you. You're longing for the day when you have the coolest friends, the best clothes, and the cutest boyfriend...I know I did when I was your age.

Let me let you in on a little secret though... Who you are right now, at this very moment, is perfectly wonderful.

Your innocence about the world around you keeps you safe. Don't let others try to take this from you.

Your belief in others is reassuring. It reminds us older people that there is goodness and kindness in the world.

And your curiosity for new things keeps the world on its toes. There's never a dull moment with you as you seek newness and adventure in your life.

So, if I could offer you some advice it would be to find peace in who you are and where you are in life. Don't try so hard to grow up. Being a grown up doesn't necessarily make life easier; instead it brings with it new and different challenges to overcome.

Friends, clothing styles, and boys will come and go. But, you will always be with yourself. So remember that you are worthy of love and good things. You are strong enough. You are beautiful.

Love,
Brittany

Dear 20's Friend

Another shout out to our 20's friends!  Ladies, the 20's gals are appreciating the love!  I've gotten some really sweet feedback about how you all are hitting the nail on the head!

This letter is written by a sweet sweet spirit of a lady!

*****

Dear 20's,

Hang on because you are in for a wild ride with enough ups and downs to keep you buying Dramamine well into your 30's. You will see and feel so much in this decade. You will lose your way just to find it and get back on track only to question your direction again and again. Just remember what is true, and you'll not only make it to your 30's. you'll do so with grace in abundance.

Let's start with the biggie - love. You'll find it, lose it, and find it again. You'll see something in him that others won't, at least not for a while. And about this love thing, it is a lot of work. Trust an English major; love is a verb and not a noun. Now that you know that, do something very important: love yourself. I mean it! You will make every relationship go so much more smoothly if you do this one thing. You are worth loving, so show everyone you meet this truth by loving yourself.

Next up is friendship. You are going to lose some good ones if you don't let go of the need to be right all the time. Apologize when you need to but only if you mean it. You are all trying to figure things out, and each of you is carrying a burden. Hers might be more than she can handle on her own, so forgive her.

Love your job but don't live it. You can never make it perfect or be perfect yourself, so take a weekend or night off once in a while. You will be a better teacher, trust me.

Next up is change. Embrace it because you will see a lot of it in this decade. You'll go from ramen noodles and plastic furniture (Anyone remember Yaffa blocks and Mr. Cart?) to cooking with more than four ingredients and furniture that doesn't need a hex screwdriver to put together. Also, an important change is your metabolism, so take care of your body and be healthy. You'll thank yourself when the next two decades roll around.

Most importantly, don't forget God. Sure you won't forget God, right? Don't you get to church at least once a month? You pray often. Just a couple of weeks ago, you prayed yourself right out of that speeding ticket. Despite these efforts, that hollow space keeps expanding, devouring everything you place in your heart trying to fill the void. Jesus is not a hokey answer that older people use when they don't know what else to say. He is the answer. So with all the crazy change this decade will offer up, give Jesus a chance. Trust him; he's a sure thing.

Thanks,

Your forty-something friend

PS - Stop with the bad haircuts.

Dear New Mom

This next letter is written by one of my best friends.  It's simply perfect.  Every mother should get this letter in her hospital/birthing center/home birth welcome packet.  Bravo!  I'm thankful to this friend for helping me navigate motherhood.  She used her wisdom and experience to be my side when I needed my friends the most. 

*****

Dear New Mom,

You're tired, you're dirty, your mind just isn't quite right, but you're so filled with love and joy you think your heart will explode.  There is no time in your life quite like this. It's special, tender, but sometimes dark, scary, and intense.  Every moment isn't the perfect way you had imagined it.  People are judging you.  You are judging you.  You do things you swore you would NEVER! do and then you beat yourself up for it.  You would never have a medicated birth, be induced, or have a c-section, you would never forget about your dog, you would never co-sleep with your baby, you would never let your baby cry-it-out, you would never give your baby a bottle or a paci or formula or let them be depended on your breast.  You would never want to pull your hair out when the little one didn't (EVER!) take a nap or when they FINALLY did you would never just sit, idle, doing nothing.  You were going to read books, magazines, cook and freeze food ahead, get back in shape, have dinner on the table every night, accomplish a to-do list a mile long on your maternity leave.  But, instead you managed to brush your teeth and take a shower some days and some days you didn't.  Some days you really made a go of it and went to Target and wandered around aimlessly for hours while the baby slept.  It's fucking hard! And NO ONE tells you that! 

Believe it or not new mom, it gets better.  I know, I know, it seems like it never will. And people say that to you and you just want to smack them.  What do they know?!?!  You will grow into your new role, you will learn to give yourself a break. You will learn to go with your gut and do what feels right for you and your family.  Co-sleep and breastfeed until they're 5 - GO FOR IT! Formula feed and sleep train - HAVE AT IT!  In order to maintain your sanity you have to do what you feel is right in your gut.  People will judge you no matter what your choices, but there is no one in the world who is a more perfect mother for your baby.  Do what feels right.  Don't let ANY ONE pressure you (even your husband).  Believe in yourself and your ability to love and nurture your baby better than anyone else. Love on your baby, try to enjoy it, and if you don't find someone who will commiserate with you or get help from a professional (don't be too proud).  Muddle through, because motherhood and children are ever changing.  It is an evolution of a relationship.  Most relationships don't start out as love at first sight, head over heels infatuation.  Most loves grow slowly over time as you get to know one another.  Your relationship with your child is no exception.

Most importantly know that we've all been there.  Find someone you can talk to about your struggles.  Let someone just listen to you.  You're going to be an amazing mom!  

All my love,

A mamma who has lived and learned